I am Thankful

I am thankful:

that it is finally December and this baby will remove himself from my belly soon (hopefully? pray pray)

that i've been able to incubate him for so long.

that i've been able to incubate him at all. pregnancy is a gift i never thought i'd receive once, much less twice.

for my precious husband who says things like " i know you're feeling aweful and all but do you think you could do laundry today, maybe?"

for my beautiful daughter and her adorable personality.

for little "Tank you, momma" s that she'll toss out without warning and just melt my heart.

that my parents are able to help me so very much.

that I am loved.

that others can make journey's when i just can't.

that life doesn't have a strict ridgid path.

that God allows life to happen.

for Ecclesiastes. It really puts things into prespective.

for clean sheets and warm blankets and sweet sweet kisses from chocolatey lips.

for Shea body butter and non asprin headache reliever.

Adoption: That first moment with your child.

http://chinaadoptiontalk.blogspot.com/2010/10/not-always-love-at-first-sight.html

This blog had me in tears this morning.
The comments are even worse.
It is terrifying to know that what is such a beautiful moment for parents is such a terrible moment for the children.
Now what?
How do we learn from this and change the situation to make it easier/ kinder/ gentler for the child?
Argh!
*kicks things*

Just when i feel like i'm prepared for anything that may come up in adoption, something like this is brought up and i wonder if i'll ever be really prepared to parent an adoptive child.
It's so... painful. the whole process. From begining to end it's pain and heartbreak and trauma.

ugh!

Magdalena's New Bedroom!

This is the room that my little sister moved out of recently. We knew it would need paint and carpet before Magda could move in and really, felt like we had MONTHS, youknow, to get it done so we were in no hurry... untill ofcourse i started feeling Baby Brother kicking my insides out at which point i decided we better get a move on. lol

Here we taped off the baseboards and stuch prepping for paint.
Look at that nasty brown carpet. ewww....

This is after a fresh coat of pure white paint and laying new fresh beige carpeting.
It's ten times brighter in that room.

Miss magdalena had herself a rush of excitement when Mommy moved that bed into the room. It's like it finally clicked. She was jumping on the bed saying "My Bed!!! My ROOM!!!!"

I painted her dresser with the same white that we used on the walls.
It's so pretty. Whenever i finish playing with the mirror, it'll get added, too.

This is just to show off our awesome storage case for Toys.
Isn't it awesome? It is. Go Ahead. Admit it. You want one. lol

And the finished product. =)

To say she LOVES IT is an understatement.

And Mommy Likes it too.
<3

"How do you feel about being Chineese and being adopted lately?"

I have resumed reading all the adoption blogs i had followed earlier in the year and have added a few handfulls more. I'm not sure if i'm drawn to China adoption blogs because of my friend Sarah or if there are just an abundance of China adoption blogs.
I stumbled into one the other day, that i haven't been able to find again, Where the mother described a conversation she had with her 7 or 8 year old daughter. The mother frequently asks the daughter "How do you feel about being Chineese and being adopted lately?" to keep the conversation open and to allow her daughter to explore those feelings and thoughts that may be difficult to explore alone.

This is going to expose the kind of parent i've always been but it shocked me that the mother asked this question and then was able to navigate the following conversation.

In all my years of parenting older children, either my step children or the foster children who came through, i don't think i EVER ONCE asked a child how they felt about their situation in life. I don't remember ever asking. I don't remember discussing it at all.

Sam's emotional lay of the land was always littered with mines. Whenever we discussed his feelings about his mother it was nearly always either him sobbing about how much better life would be if he lived with her Or he was spewing hate about how horrible i was and how i could never be a real mother to him. As a 19 year old child, myself, THIS was a difficult enough conversation to have on a simi-daily basis being as i had NO IDEA what i was doing at the time.

When i was 21, Joe moved in with us and i remember asking him to tell me about differences between living with his Mother and living with us. I don't think we ever really discussed in any kind of depth as to why he had asked to move with us. I never asked how he felt about changing households. I never asked either of the boys how they felt or what they thought about sharing a home again after nearly 4 years living apart from eachother.

With all the foster children we had move through our home, i don't think i ever discussed with any of them as to why they were in foster care. I never asked how they felt about it. I never asked what their personal thoughts were on something they couldn't controll changing the course of their lives.

And i NEVER ever EVER asked Sam or Joe how they felt about having the foster children coming into and out of their lives.

By not asking, i truely have no idea how these children felt about their lives while they lived with me.

During that time in my life, it was all about getting through the day. Getting through the day was making sure every person in the household was doing what they needed to be doing, keeping up the house, and keeping up appearances. It was coping, basically. Coping for survival. This kind of living just doesn't make for a conducive environment for emotional growth or understanding. Even if i had of had the words to ask "How are you feeling about being You in Your Life lately?" I'm positive i couldn't have managed the conversation that would inevitably have followed.

When i look back on just how much of a mess I'd made out of every effort of parenting any child during that time, I'm positive that our decision to foster was not the best decision for our family or for the children that we eventually had in our home. It is horrifying to realize so many years later. It is heartbreaking to accept that so many of the fears that i trembled under during that time came true despite every choice i made that i thought would lead us away from them.

This has left me wondering, quite sadly, "How do I feel about being Me in My Life?"

And i'm still not prepared for the conversation that should follow.

From One Extreme

I see things like "Hoarding: Buried Alive" which is a show that features families living in an environment that is overrun with items. These items can be strewn haphazardly, or stacked orderly, but always impeeding the quality of life and useability of the home environment. To be direct, these people hold on to too many items and are happy.


And then i see things like "Minimalism" which is a chosen lifestyle in which a person is able to list every item that person personally owns on one hand. (okay, i'm kind of exagerating, but still.) Pictures of homes that Minimalist live in will show a room that has possibly a rug, a couch, a curtian, a coffee cup, and a bare lightbulb as the ONLY items in said room. And the coffee cup is pushing it. These people strive to have a few items as possible and are happy.




And then there's me. Trapped somewhere in the middle. Always on the verge of what i feel might be Hoarding and wishing i could take a few steps closer to Minimalism.


What to do? What to do?
Isn't life great when the only thing i can find to complain about is that i have Too Much stuff? lol
<3

20 Months (and 6 days)

Today, i realized that we have hit a major milestone just nearly on accident.

While Mags sat on the potty this morning, i sat here staring at her wet cloth diaper bin and thinking "wow, i need to wash diapers soon." as it was almost full. Then i thought, "wait, she hasn't worn a cloth diaper in a few days...." at which point i tried to remember exactly when she HAD worn a cloth diaper. I couldn't remember a precice day, but i figured that it had been possibly TWO WEEKS since she had been in a cloth diaper. Which ment that the possiblity was enormous that i hadn't washed diapers in NEARLY AN ENTIRE MONTH! which ment those diapers in that bin were surely very very ripe.

So as i trudged down to finally wash some super stinky diapers, i had to admit that we may be past the cloth diapering stage.

My baby girl, at 20 months, is in panties for the majority of the time.

I still put a disposable on her during nap time and bedtime, but other than that, She is in panties and uses the potty.





What am i going to do?

Memory

i don't remember exactly when carl stopped being my child.
It was a slow process that started well before he left my home and continued for years.
I remember exactly when it started.
In december, his mother asked to have him on christmas day. I haven't always been such a kind and understanding person as i am today, so i told the worker quite plainly "No. I will not be traveling on Christmas day. We have plans with my family."
At the time, i felt that my response was appropriate.
His mother was crushed. She asked the worker what could be done so she could see her child on christmas. It was a very important holiday for her. The worker offered that Carl be able to have an (up until then, totally not allowed) overnight visit where he would stay with her for 3 days and 2 nights freeing me from traveling on christmas day and allowing Her to have him for the holiday.
I was utterly crushed. I went in to see the worker. I cried to her. I complained to her. I expressed concern and worry about Carl being placed in that situation, unsupervised, for days.
She calmly asked me "Leslie, do you not understand that Carl will be going back to his mother?"
and that moment was the very first time i ever truely considered losing him. I had never even entertained the idea of Carl returning to his mother. It was in my mind that she just would not meet state requirements, the courts would Terminate parental rights, and we would adopt him. I never considered reunification as truely part of the realistic picture.
That day, sitting in the DHR offices, with my face tear streaked and my heart broken, Carl started to become his mother's son. It hurt. It was difficult and painful and what was worse was i felt like i shouldn't even be feeling how i was feeling.
Month by month, she continued to steal my child from me. At the 1 year court date, When i expected the judge to suggest TPR (i still had hope!) and he offered instead a full year extention, i cried miserably. Two months later, when Carl stopped calling me "Momma" and instead changed over to "Ma'am" (a name another foster child took to using to refer to me) it hurt. I knew it was best, because reunification looks possible, but it still hurt. I was losing him every day.
Two months later, when he was spending 4 days a week with his mother and only coming home to me on the weekends, i felt horrible. I pined for him while he was gone, but he cried when he came home, wanting his mother instead.
By the time he moved, it was time. He left the monday before his 3rd birthday. He had lived with us for 16 months.

That was in 2006. I stumbled across his mother's myspace page a while back and found pictures she had posted of him. In my excitement, i clicked on through, hoping to see pictures of "my" baby, however, there were none. Traces of my child were left in the eyes and face of this boy in the pictures but he wasn't my child. In one photo, He is sitting in his mother's lap and his smile is so joyful, so happy, so loving that it makes me smile and i say outloud "Good for them."
I think about him often. I remember so much from my time with him but as the years have gone by, my memory has softened the edges, faded out the harshness and all but forgotten the hard troubles we had. I can think back on Carl now with fondness instead of longing, with love instead of loss.
I don't remember exactly when Carl stopped being my child but i will always love him for the time he was my child.

erm

My mother asks me,
the pregnant lady
(who has been living off pizza rolls, gravy, and strawberry jelly),
what has happened to my face to have me so broke out?

i told her,
in rather a snoody fashion, i'm afraid,
That i couldn't, for the life of me, fathom any reason.

and promptly stormed off.

also, i cried today watching some pregnancy tv show where the Mother offered to be a surragate for her daughter's child. It was beautiful and uplifting and i cried.

pregnancy makes me crazy.

On the dot.

We finally moved Magda up into a big girl bed just a few days back. We figured it'd be better to go ahead and have her in a toddler bed well before i'm too fat and lazy to pick her up out of the crib. lol However, We were knucklehead parents who put together the toddler bed and took apart the crib all in the same day. We don't need no Transitional time. pfft.

Amazingly, Mags has taken to the new bed extremely well. She had a fet issues the very first night but naps and bedtime every day after that have been just fine. We are truely blessed to have such a laid back child.

Her first time playing in a ball pit. LOL She just didn't understand it. It was great watching her try to take it all in.

I'm about 14 weeks along, now. The doctor gave me a due date of Jan 8th. I'll be happy to make it into December. I just don't do pregnancy well.

So, life just kinda happens. That's all i've got.

<3

Pizza Bake

This has got to be the simplest recipe i've come across and it tastes wonderful! I love it and i thought I'd share.

Pizza Bake:

3 1/2 cups of Bisquick Mix
1 cup milk
(you could make your biscuits from scratch just as well if you prefer.)
Two 14 oz jars of Pizza Sauce
Pepperoni
2 cups shredded Mozzarella cheese
Any other toppings you regularly enjoy on pizza
If you're adding things like sausage or hamburger meat, you'll need to precook it before adding it into this recipe.

Preheat oven to 375. mix up the biscuits and drop spoonfulls into a greased 3 quart (13x9in) baking dish. Don't try to cover the bottom to make a crust. Just let them fall in spoonfulls. Use about half the dough you have made up.
Pour 1 jar of pizza sauce over dough in baking dish.
Now you add any toppings you'd like. Sausage, olives, pineapple, whatever you want then top with pepperoni.
Cover with half your cheese.
and start again. Drop in the rest of the dough, pour on sauce, toppings, pepperoni, cheese.

Bake for 20 to 25 mins or untill golden brown.


This is such a fun, open ended recipe. You can literally add anything to it and it's great. The biscuit dough rises and soaks in the sauce and comes out just scrumptiuos! I could make a meal just out of the pizza sauce dumplings. lol But i like to add black and green olives, hamburger, sausage, diced onion and a touch of Pizza season salt. That makes it spicey. hehe
okay, i'm thoroughly starving now.
I hope, if you try the recipe, you have fun making it and truely enjoy eating it! it is great!

<3
Leslie

God knows what he's doing

and he knew adoption wasn't the path for us right at this moment.

I found out last wednesday that i am probably around 8 weeks pregnant.

Due date is estimated to be December 16th, 2010.

What a beautiful gift.

We are so excited!! lol

Sometimes, the timing is just way off.

It's difficult to maintain this blog. Firstly, the reason i created it has passed on and even though it is fun to post here it is also tiresome and not fullfilling. Forced, i guess you could say. Secondly, since i had created this blog to follow our adoption, i had mainly used it to connect with others who are adopting so my Following page is just flooded with adoptive families. it is so hard to continue following all those lives. I am happy for each and every family and child, it's just difficult for me to be actively happy when i'm fighting that creeping ache and anger inside.

Being that i am well aware that this topic causes havok on my moods and thoughts and feelings just now, i'm just taking a nice long break from here, i think.

I have a facebook account that i play with daily and post pictures on. That'll have to do for now.
So, until such time as i am mentally healthy.
Love,
Leslie

happy birthday to me

Because My Husband is Handsome:

Maggie showing me the proper way to clean the stove:

Maggie being absolutely adorable:

Godzilla Magda!

<3

It's okay.

Life goes on =)
This is one of my fav pics of Charlie and Magda.
I love how it puts her into perspective!
btw: I was standing in a chair holding the camera up against the ceiling to take this. lol

hehe

Heavy Metal Half Pint.
Thank you Auntie Liz for the Tshirt. =)

Our new Fairy (Pixie?) Table! Just Magda Size!
So we can practice sitting at the table!

Magda and her Grandpa Baker (My Dad)
Looking out at the snow. =)

It's hard to be upset.

Done.

I will no longer be gathering information on adoption.
We will not be adopting.
It hurts, but it's the truth and i need to accept it.

Here is some more hope....

We have 3 years to wait before we can apply to foster again. Even then we may STILL be unable to be approved. We just have to wait and see. I've already waited three years, why not another three?

They did give me a number to call where i might be able to get answers about our prospects for adoption. No one seems to be able to answer my question outright. Everyone refers me to someone else. A simple "No" would be better than this feeling of "I just don't want to deal with being the person to tell you no. Here, call these people."

I'll call and ask though because there is still that tiny glimmer of Hope.

It's very tiny.
very.

but it is there.

well.

i have a meeting with the worker at DHR today at 2.

I don't have really high hopes. I expect to be told exactly the same thing we have been told for years. ("If you just *insert almost unatainable mission here* then you can apply again and see.") However, it would be so nice if i could get a few truthful answers about our ability to adopt.
A simple yes or no is all i need.
I'm praying.

On the Go.

Last night, Miss Magda finally discovered that she can, indeed, walk unassisted for long bouts.

This morning she walked all over the livingroom and i managed to catch this video.

Enjoy.

Denied

By the quickest response i've even recieved from DHR, We got a letter today dening our application to foster/ adopt through them.
It cites our history with fostering and specific issues that hinder our relationship with them.
I expected this even as i hoped that it would NOT be an issue.

Even though i excepted the denial, It is still heart breaking.

And, I am lost as to which way to go now.

Bedhead!!

Oh, Happy Day!

Why is MY bedhead NEVER this cute?!?

Beauty

just a quick post of cuteness.

Potty!

She is so lovely.

Those eyes.

On the third she will be 14 months.

Amazing.

*Que Drilling Cats*

Grandma gave Magda this little massager the other day.

I showed her how it vibrates and had it massaging her back and arms and belly.

She thought that was great.

Then she decided that the bookcase looked aweful tired

and was probably sore from holding up all those books

so she was giving the bookcase a massage!

(Yeah, i button her onsies on the outside of her pants.

She's tall and thin so the onsie helps hold her pants up. lol)

In an effort to NOT be a huge nag and worry myself senseless about the lack of contact from DHR, i have decided to only call them once a week. Enough to remind the worker that We are waiting and anxious for a reply but not often enough to absolutely annoy her senseless.

I wish that things were different.

<3

Argh! Me Mateys!

Magda loves the piano.
And she will continue to love the piano

right up to the very moment we start her taking lessions.

=)

A little Swashbuckling!
I love the little Parrot.

My Pirate.

=)

Walking, Talking, Making Messes!

The old saying of

"if your child is quiet it means there is trouble"

is true.

lol

Moma is SO lucky that the syrups and other items mostly had their factory seals on them or else we would have had a much stickier mess!




Walking!

The weather was just beautiful! We had the whole house open and just enjoyed the Not-Cold yet Not-Hot !!

Moma Loves this cowgirl outfit! lol

Magda disappointed after Moma cleaned up the mess and locked the cabinette back!

haha

<3

Well

Because of how Lifeline works, we need to begin our homestudy within 6 months of our initial application.
With this in mind, we have decided to postpone our application to Lifeline untill we have the funds already saved up to complete the homestudy process and pay their agency fees.

It's a bummer.

I dug out the application for DHR last night and filled it out copying information from our Lifeline application.
I plan to take it in and peronally hand it to the worker that it needs to go to.

and then i suppose we just sit back and wait, skimp and save, and try to enjoy life without worrying.

Moma doesn't need a maid:

She needs a Baby Wrangler!

Magda helping with the curtians:

Magda helping reorganize the movies:
"These are ALL WRONG!" She says.

Moma still loves her. When Moma can catch her!

Yes, she's had three outfits on today.
It's dirty playing with nerborn baby goats. lol
It's been exciting round these parts. =)

<3>