A Confession

I started this blog on the heels of a friend. She started her blog as a means to share her adoption experience with her family and friends. When i opened this blog, i naively dreamed that our stories would run parallel. I hoped and wished that as Her ventures into the adoption process happened, that we would find our way onto that path as well. I had hoped to journey through it with a friend.

While my friend's adoption story traveled the rocky roads that are the International Adoption Process, Ours came to a grinding halt. For 2 years, We had adoption thoroughly thrown off the table, to the floor, and then trampled on. Along with my heart.

Watching my friend and her family struggle through the process and paperwork. Hearing her true concerns, doubts, anger and pleas over it all. and simultaneously reading blogs and articles where the grief/ loss/ heartbreak of adoption are focused on as KEY points.
This had me down.
Down is mild.
This had me saying that adoption isn't for our family.
This had me saying that my heart couldn't handle the pain involved in adopting.
This had me saying that i wasn't the kind of person who could manage living my life raising an adopted child.
This had me saying that our family just isn't set up for or cut out for adopting.
This had me saying
"Adoption? That's just not us."

Then my friend, she traveled TO China. She had seen photo's of her daughter. she had seen short video's of her daughter. For months she carried around photos and a little doll who would represent how their family had her on their hearts and minds during the year wait to get her.
She has photo's of her son's holding the doll during vacation, clearly showing
"Yes! we're on vacation! and it's fun! but we know you are missing. We are thinking of you. We are loving you. We are ready for you."

I struggled, internally, with her actually leaving for China. I struggled because... she had left me behind. She had surpassed anything i have experienced. She had left the country we were both born in and , bravely, went to an entirely different country to meet a child she hardly knew, yet loved with all her heart. And she brought the child Home.

I had an intensely emotional time processing my friend's trip to China.
It fell during a period where i was processing some very major feelings about my own life and how i was choosing to live it.
it was nearly too much.
I followed her story with a pit in my stomach.
I was overjoyed for Her, her family, and her new daughter but i was in despair myself.

Over the course of the month of December, I managed to work through those feelings, concerns and worries i struggled with so much in October and November. I still felt that adoption just wasn't for our family. I was happy for my friend. I was so. very. happy. for her but i had convinced myself that adoption just couldn't work in our family.

And then, today, I met with Her and her daughter for the first time since she'd come home.

Her daughter? is precious. She is melt your heart precious. She is darling. She is adorable. She is beautiful. She is charming. She is a firecracker and she is wonderful and amazing. Watching the two of them interact, watching the Mother/Child bond budding and building between them, already so strong after a few short months together, was breathtaking.

Today, sitting in the floor and using my limited signing abilities to communicate with her, My friend's daughter changed my heart about adopting. She changed my heart about adopting from China even. She changed my heart about adopting "special needs".
My Friend's testimony and her daughter herself ...they reminded me that
THERE IS BEAUTY IN ADOPTION.

it's not all about loss. and grief. and pain. and struggle. and fear. oh, the fear.
there is abundant love. and growth. and freedom. and joy. and happiness. and LOVE!

After 30 mins or so of sporadic signing and interaction where i tried desperately hard (while also being mindful not to be overwhelming, that's a trick) to make sure she felt included, I gave Her daughter a "thumbs up" when she did something. I asked My Friend, "How do you say Good Job?" and she instructed me to just Thumbs Up so, i got Her daughter's attention and gave her the Thumbs Up sign where she smiled this huge giant happy toady faced smile, did the thumbs up sign to me, walked to me and pressed her thumb onto mine, print to print.

I was confused so My Friend explained, "Oh, thats a thumb kiss. They did that at the orphanage. She'll give real kisses to family, but if you're not family and she wants to show she likes you, she'll do the thumb kiss."

*melt melt melt*

*melt*

A healing in my heart happened with that simple Thumb Kiss.
What beauty, the love of a child.