Today, i realized that we have hit a major milestone just nearly on accident.
While Mags sat on the potty this morning, i sat here staring at her wet cloth diaper bin and thinking "wow, i need to wash diapers soon." as it was almost full. Then i thought, "wait, she hasn't worn a cloth diaper in a few days...." at which point i tried to remember exactly when she HAD worn a cloth diaper. I couldn't remember a precice day, but i figured that it had been possibly TWO WEEKS since she had been in a cloth diaper. Which ment that the possiblity was enormous that i hadn't washed diapers in NEARLY AN ENTIRE MONTH! which ment those diapers in that bin were surely very very ripe.
So as i trudged down to finally wash some super stinky diapers, i had to admit that we may be past the cloth diapering stage.
My baby girl, at 20 months, is in panties for the majority of the time.
I still put a disposable on her during nap time and bedtime, but other than that, She is in panties and uses the potty.
What am i going to do?
Monday, August 9, 2010
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Memory
i don't remember exactly when carl stopped being my child.
It was a slow process that started well before he left my home and continued for years.
I remember exactly when it started.
In december, his mother asked to have him on christmas day. I haven't always been such a kind and understanding person as i am today, so i told the worker quite plainly "No. I will not be traveling on Christmas day. We have plans with my family."
At the time, i felt that my response was appropriate.
His mother was crushed. She asked the worker what could be done so she could see her child on christmas. It was a very important holiday for her. The worker offered that Carl be able to have an (up until then, totally not allowed) overnight visit where he would stay with her for 3 days and 2 nights freeing me from traveling on christmas day and allowing Her to have him for the holiday.
I was utterly crushed. I went in to see the worker. I cried to her. I complained to her. I expressed concern and worry about Carl being placed in that situation, unsupervised, for days.
She calmly asked me "Leslie, do you not understand that Carl will be going back to his mother?"
and that moment was the very first time i ever truely considered losing him. I had never even entertained the idea of Carl returning to his mother. It was in my mind that she just would not meet state requirements, the courts would Terminate parental rights, and we would adopt him. I never considered reunification as truely part of the realistic picture.
That day, sitting in the DHR offices, with my face tear streaked and my heart broken, Carl started to become his mother's son. It hurt. It was difficult and painful and what was worse was i felt like i shouldn't even be feeling how i was feeling.
Month by month, she continued to steal my child from me. At the 1 year court date, When i expected the judge to suggest TPR (i still had hope!) and he offered instead a full year extention, i cried miserably. Two months later, when Carl stopped calling me "Momma" and instead changed over to "Ma'am" (a name another foster child took to using to refer to me) it hurt. I knew it was best, because reunification looks possible, but it still hurt. I was losing him every day.
Two months later, when he was spending 4 days a week with his mother and only coming home to me on the weekends, i felt horrible. I pined for him while he was gone, but he cried when he came home, wanting his mother instead.
By the time he moved, it was time. He left the monday before his 3rd birthday. He had lived with us for 16 months.
That was in 2006. I stumbled across his mother's myspace page a while back and found pictures she had posted of him. In my excitement, i clicked on through, hoping to see pictures of "my" baby, however, there were none. Traces of my child were left in the eyes and face of this boy in the pictures but he wasn't my child. In one photo, He is sitting in his mother's lap and his smile is so joyful, so happy, so loving that it makes me smile and i say outloud "Good for them."
I think about him often. I remember so much from my time with him but as the years have gone by, my memory has softened the edges, faded out the harshness and all but forgotten the hard troubles we had. I can think back on Carl now with fondness instead of longing, with love instead of loss.
I don't remember exactly when Carl stopped being my child but i will always love him for the time he was my child.
It was a slow process that started well before he left my home and continued for years.
I remember exactly when it started.
In december, his mother asked to have him on christmas day. I haven't always been such a kind and understanding person as i am today, so i told the worker quite plainly "No. I will not be traveling on Christmas day. We have plans with my family."
At the time, i felt that my response was appropriate.
His mother was crushed. She asked the worker what could be done so she could see her child on christmas. It was a very important holiday for her. The worker offered that Carl be able to have an (up until then, totally not allowed) overnight visit where he would stay with her for 3 days and 2 nights freeing me from traveling on christmas day and allowing Her to have him for the holiday.
I was utterly crushed. I went in to see the worker. I cried to her. I complained to her. I expressed concern and worry about Carl being placed in that situation, unsupervised, for days.
She calmly asked me "Leslie, do you not understand that Carl will be going back to his mother?"
and that moment was the very first time i ever truely considered losing him. I had never even entertained the idea of Carl returning to his mother. It was in my mind that she just would not meet state requirements, the courts would Terminate parental rights, and we would adopt him. I never considered reunification as truely part of the realistic picture.
That day, sitting in the DHR offices, with my face tear streaked and my heart broken, Carl started to become his mother's son. It hurt. It was difficult and painful and what was worse was i felt like i shouldn't even be feeling how i was feeling.
Month by month, she continued to steal my child from me. At the 1 year court date, When i expected the judge to suggest TPR (i still had hope!) and he offered instead a full year extention, i cried miserably. Two months later, when Carl stopped calling me "Momma" and instead changed over to "Ma'am" (a name another foster child took to using to refer to me) it hurt. I knew it was best, because reunification looks possible, but it still hurt. I was losing him every day.
Two months later, when he was spending 4 days a week with his mother and only coming home to me on the weekends, i felt horrible. I pined for him while he was gone, but he cried when he came home, wanting his mother instead.
By the time he moved, it was time. He left the monday before his 3rd birthday. He had lived with us for 16 months.
That was in 2006. I stumbled across his mother's myspace page a while back and found pictures she had posted of him. In my excitement, i clicked on through, hoping to see pictures of "my" baby, however, there were none. Traces of my child were left in the eyes and face of this boy in the pictures but he wasn't my child. In one photo, He is sitting in his mother's lap and his smile is so joyful, so happy, so loving that it makes me smile and i say outloud "Good for them."
I think about him often. I remember so much from my time with him but as the years have gone by, my memory has softened the edges, faded out the harshness and all but forgotten the hard troubles we had. I can think back on Carl now with fondness instead of longing, with love instead of loss.
I don't remember exactly when Carl stopped being my child but i will always love him for the time he was my child.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
erm
My mother asks me,
the pregnant lady
(who has been living off pizza rolls, gravy, and strawberry jelly),
what has happened to my face to have me so broke out?
i told her,
in rather a snoody fashion, i'm afraid,
That i couldn't, for the life of me, fathom any reason.
and promptly stormed off.
also, i cried today watching some pregnancy tv show where the Mother offered to be a surragate for her daughter's child. It was beautiful and uplifting and i cried.
pregnancy makes me crazy.
the pregnant lady
(who has been living off pizza rolls, gravy, and strawberry jelly),
what has happened to my face to have me so broke out?
i told her,
in rather a snoody fashion, i'm afraid,
That i couldn't, for the life of me, fathom any reason.
and promptly stormed off.
also, i cried today watching some pregnancy tv show where the Mother offered to be a surragate for her daughter's child. It was beautiful and uplifting and i cried.
pregnancy makes me crazy.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
On the dot.
We finally moved Magda up into a big girl bed just a few days back. We figured it'd be better to go ahead and have her in a toddler bed well before i'm too fat and lazy to pick her up out of the crib. lol However, We were knucklehead parents who put together the toddler bed and took apart the crib all in the same day. We don't need no Transitional time. pfft.
Amazingly, Mags has taken to the new bed extremely well. She had a fet issues the very first night but naps and bedtime every day after that have been just fine. We are truely blessed to have such a laid back child.
Her first time playing in a ball pit. LOL She just didn't understand it. It was great watching her try to take it all in. I'm about 14 weeks along, now. The doctor gave me a due date of Jan 8th. I'll be happy to make it into December. I just don't do pregnancy well.
So, life just kinda happens. That's all i've got.
<3
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Pizza Bake
This has got to be the simplest recipe i've come across and it tastes wonderful! I love it and i thought I'd share.
Pizza Bake:
3 1/2 cups of Bisquick Mix
1 cup milk
(you could make your biscuits from scratch just as well if you prefer.)
Two 14 oz jars of Pizza Sauce
Pepperoni
2 cups shredded Mozzarella cheese
Any other toppings you regularly enjoy on pizza
If you're adding things like sausage or hamburger meat, you'll need to precook it before adding it into this recipe.
Preheat oven to 375. mix up the biscuits and drop spoonfulls into a greased 3 quart (13x9in) baking dish. Don't try to cover the bottom to make a crust. Just let them fall in spoonfulls. Use about half the dough you have made up.
Pour 1 jar of pizza sauce over dough in baking dish.
Now you add any toppings you'd like. Sausage, olives, pineapple, whatever you want then top with pepperoni.
Cover with half your cheese.
and start again. Drop in the rest of the dough, pour on sauce, toppings, pepperoni, cheese.
Bake for 20 to 25 mins or untill golden brown.
This is such a fun, open ended recipe. You can literally add anything to it and it's great. The biscuit dough rises and soaks in the sauce and comes out just scrumptiuos! I could make a meal just out of the pizza sauce dumplings. lol But i like to add black and green olives, hamburger, sausage, diced onion and a touch of Pizza season salt. That makes it spicey. hehe
okay, i'm thoroughly starving now.
I hope, if you try the recipe, you have fun making it and truely enjoy eating it! it is great!
<3
Leslie
Pizza Bake:
3 1/2 cups of Bisquick Mix
1 cup milk
(you could make your biscuits from scratch just as well if you prefer.)
Two 14 oz jars of Pizza Sauce
Pepperoni
2 cups shredded Mozzarella cheese
Any other toppings you regularly enjoy on pizza
If you're adding things like sausage or hamburger meat, you'll need to precook it before adding it into this recipe.
Preheat oven to 375. mix up the biscuits and drop spoonfulls into a greased 3 quart (13x9in) baking dish. Don't try to cover the bottom to make a crust. Just let them fall in spoonfulls. Use about half the dough you have made up.
Pour 1 jar of pizza sauce over dough in baking dish.
Now you add any toppings you'd like. Sausage, olives, pineapple, whatever you want then top with pepperoni.
Cover with half your cheese.
and start again. Drop in the rest of the dough, pour on sauce, toppings, pepperoni, cheese.
Bake for 20 to 25 mins or untill golden brown.
This is such a fun, open ended recipe. You can literally add anything to it and it's great. The biscuit dough rises and soaks in the sauce and comes out just scrumptiuos! I could make a meal just out of the pizza sauce dumplings. lol But i like to add black and green olives, hamburger, sausage, diced onion and a touch of Pizza season salt. That makes it spicey. hehe
okay, i'm thoroughly starving now.
I hope, if you try the recipe, you have fun making it and truely enjoy eating it! it is great!
<3
Leslie
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
God knows what he's doing
and he knew adoption wasn't the path for us right at this moment.
I found out last wednesday that i am probably around 8 weeks pregnant.
Due date is estimated to be December 16th, 2010.
What a beautiful gift.
We are so excited!! lol
I found out last wednesday that i am probably around 8 weeks pregnant.
Due date is estimated to be December 16th, 2010.
What a beautiful gift.
We are so excited!! lol
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Sometimes, the timing is just way off.
It's difficult to maintain this blog. Firstly, the reason i created it has passed on and even though it is fun to post here it is also tiresome and not fullfilling. Forced, i guess you could say. Secondly, since i had created this blog to follow our adoption, i had mainly used it to connect with others who are adopting so my Following page is just flooded with adoptive families. it is so hard to continue following all those lives. I am happy for each and every family and child, it's just difficult for me to be actively happy when i'm fighting that creeping ache and anger inside.
Being that i am well aware that this topic causes havok on my moods and thoughts and feelings just now, i'm just taking a nice long break from here, i think.
I have a facebook account that i play with daily and post pictures on. That'll have to do for now.
So, until such time as i am mentally healthy.
Love,
Leslie
Being that i am well aware that this topic causes havok on my moods and thoughts and feelings just now, i'm just taking a nice long break from here, i think.
I have a facebook account that i play with daily and post pictures on. That'll have to do for now.
So, until such time as i am mentally healthy.
Love,
Leslie
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