Because it's been awhile:

 Miss Magdalena, nearing 4, and Mr. Mordecai, quickly approaching 2.  =)

Magdalena, She knows.

Today we had a pretty typical day, after noon time rolled around, because our night last night and our morning this morning was very atypical. Both kids were wide awake for hours last night. No idea why. No clue what had them up. But up they were. I finally got them back in bed around 3am. Charlie came in from work around 5am. Magda met him at the door and had some loving Daddy/Magda time in the wee hours of the day.
Then he sent her back to bed. Thankfully, the kids slept until 10 this morning.
Yeah. I slept till 9. It was a crazy crazy night to afford us that much sleeping late. LOL

However, when Ch got up at noon, we had a fairly normal day. We had some family time. Played together. Watched some TV. Mork actually took a nap, which was unexpected. Mags didn't nap but she hasn't been napping lately. It makes my Mommy heart cry to think about saying good bye to her daily naps but it may be about time.

This evening, we spent some time outside eating watermelon with Grandma and Grandpa.  Afterwards, i gathered the kids up saying "Let's go have a bath!" Mordecai wasn't excited so Grandpa tried to encourage him by saying, "Go on buddy, Mommy needs to wash your pretty little bottom!"

Magda, quick as can be, stated, "Mommy doesn't need to wash MY pretty little bottom! I didn't sit in the dirt at ALL today!"

Oh, we laughed.

She's a riot. =)

Starting fresh.

This blog is so jumbled.  While I started this blog with the intention of using it to follow our adoption journey, it became something much different.

I haven't put much time or energy into this but I hope to use it as a more family oriented place.  A spot to post just...about our family instead of anything specific going on in our lives.

So I decided to open a new blog in order to post about our effort at adoption, again.
If you'd like to follow our journey:
http://hughesfamilyadoption.blogspot.com/

We'd love to have you.

And I'll update about our family here soon.
=)
Thanks!
Leslie

A Confession

I started this blog on the heels of a friend. She started her blog as a means to share her adoption experience with her family and friends. When i opened this blog, i naively dreamed that our stories would run parallel. I hoped and wished that as Her ventures into the adoption process happened, that we would find our way onto that path as well. I had hoped to journey through it with a friend.

While my friend's adoption story traveled the rocky roads that are the International Adoption Process, Ours came to a grinding halt. For 2 years, We had adoption thoroughly thrown off the table, to the floor, and then trampled on. Along with my heart.

Watching my friend and her family struggle through the process and paperwork. Hearing her true concerns, doubts, anger and pleas over it all. and simultaneously reading blogs and articles where the grief/ loss/ heartbreak of adoption are focused on as KEY points.
This had me down.
Down is mild.
This had me saying that adoption isn't for our family.
This had me saying that my heart couldn't handle the pain involved in adopting.
This had me saying that i wasn't the kind of person who could manage living my life raising an adopted child.
This had me saying that our family just isn't set up for or cut out for adopting.
This had me saying
"Adoption? That's just not us."

Then my friend, she traveled TO China. She had seen photo's of her daughter. she had seen short video's of her daughter. For months she carried around photos and a little doll who would represent how their family had her on their hearts and minds during the year wait to get her.
She has photo's of her son's holding the doll during vacation, clearly showing
"Yes! we're on vacation! and it's fun! but we know you are missing. We are thinking of you. We are loving you. We are ready for you."

I struggled, internally, with her actually leaving for China. I struggled because... she had left me behind. She had surpassed anything i have experienced. She had left the country we were both born in and , bravely, went to an entirely different country to meet a child she hardly knew, yet loved with all her heart. And she brought the child Home.

I had an intensely emotional time processing my friend's trip to China.
It fell during a period where i was processing some very major feelings about my own life and how i was choosing to live it.
it was nearly too much.
I followed her story with a pit in my stomach.
I was overjoyed for Her, her family, and her new daughter but i was in despair myself.

Over the course of the month of December, I managed to work through those feelings, concerns and worries i struggled with so much in October and November. I still felt that adoption just wasn't for our family. I was happy for my friend. I was so. very. happy. for her but i had convinced myself that adoption just couldn't work in our family.

And then, today, I met with Her and her daughter for the first time since she'd come home.

Her daughter? is precious. She is melt your heart precious. She is darling. She is adorable. She is beautiful. She is charming. She is a firecracker and she is wonderful and amazing. Watching the two of them interact, watching the Mother/Child bond budding and building between them, already so strong after a few short months together, was breathtaking.

Today, sitting in the floor and using my limited signing abilities to communicate with her, My friend's daughter changed my heart about adopting. She changed my heart about adopting from China even. She changed my heart about adopting "special needs".
My Friend's testimony and her daughter herself ...they reminded me that
THERE IS BEAUTY IN ADOPTION.

it's not all about loss. and grief. and pain. and struggle. and fear. oh, the fear.
there is abundant love. and growth. and freedom. and joy. and happiness. and LOVE!

After 30 mins or so of sporadic signing and interaction where i tried desperately hard (while also being mindful not to be overwhelming, that's a trick) to make sure she felt included, I gave Her daughter a "thumbs up" when she did something. I asked My Friend, "How do you say Good Job?" and she instructed me to just Thumbs Up so, i got Her daughter's attention and gave her the Thumbs Up sign where she smiled this huge giant happy toady faced smile, did the thumbs up sign to me, walked to me and pressed her thumb onto mine, print to print.

I was confused so My Friend explained, "Oh, thats a thumb kiss. They did that at the orphanage. She'll give real kisses to family, but if you're not family and she wants to show she likes you, she'll do the thumb kiss."

*melt melt melt*

*melt*

A healing in my heart happened with that simple Thumb Kiss.
What beauty, the love of a child.

Can i keep you?

I say things, often, knowing that the statement and even the other persons conversationaly expected (i.e. scripted) reply are both lies.

"Can i keep you?" i ask her, smiling, as I help her to step into her pajama bottoms.
Left foot.
"Yes!" she laughs.
Right foot.
"Can i keep you FOREVER?!"
"Yes! you can!"
"Forever and ever?!" As i pull her pajama top over her head.
"Please, Mommy! Keep me forever and ever!" she squeels with glee.

Lies.

This beautiful child. The child that i begged and pleaded and worked to concieve. This child that I nurtured in the womb and birthed. This child that i have devoted my life to raising. She isn't mine. Not to keep.

She has a piece of me. I gave her a tiny fragment of myself, a tiny fragment of her father, and Look what SHE has done with those fragments! She grew into a precious baby and on into a beautiful little girl with her own wants and wishes and a completely personal view on the world. Her life isn't mine to keep no matter how often she pledges that i can.

She owns every piece of herself. Every experience she has. Every part of her body. Every feeling and emotion she can muster. They are Hers.

She is Magdalena.

The daughter of my heart. The daughter of my womb. But She is not MINE.

And I Worship her.

I am Thankful

I am thankful:

that it is finally December and this baby will remove himself from my belly soon (hopefully? pray pray)

that i've been able to incubate him for so long.

that i've been able to incubate him at all. pregnancy is a gift i never thought i'd receive once, much less twice.

for my precious husband who says things like " i know you're feeling aweful and all but do you think you could do laundry today, maybe?"

for my beautiful daughter and her adorable personality.

for little "Tank you, momma" s that she'll toss out without warning and just melt my heart.

that my parents are able to help me so very much.

that I am loved.

that others can make journey's when i just can't.

that life doesn't have a strict ridgid path.

that God allows life to happen.

for Ecclesiastes. It really puts things into prespective.

for clean sheets and warm blankets and sweet sweet kisses from chocolatey lips.

for Shea body butter and non asprin headache reliever.

Adoption: That first moment with your child.

http://chinaadoptiontalk.blogspot.com/2010/10/not-always-love-at-first-sight.html

This blog had me in tears this morning.
The comments are even worse.
It is terrifying to know that what is such a beautiful moment for parents is such a terrible moment for the children.
Now what?
How do we learn from this and change the situation to make it easier/ kinder/ gentler for the child?
Argh!
*kicks things*

Just when i feel like i'm prepared for anything that may come up in adoption, something like this is brought up and i wonder if i'll ever be really prepared to parent an adoptive child.
It's so... painful. the whole process. From begining to end it's pain and heartbreak and trauma.

ugh!